wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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