haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
