6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
