dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
