new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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