I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
