I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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