I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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