someone threw a dead crab at me
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
