when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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