my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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