I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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