My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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