My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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