Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
