Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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