I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
