i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
