nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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