It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
