Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
