I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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