I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
