She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
