Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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