A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
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