That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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