Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
