$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
