Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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