if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
