Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
