Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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