I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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