Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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