Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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