I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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