Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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