WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You ate ashes out of my bong
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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