Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
