Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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