Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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