9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
