I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
