My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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