I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
did you just send me my own nude
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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