what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
pray to the hookup gods
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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