Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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