meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
