I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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