ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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