Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
