saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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