I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize