it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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