I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
