I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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