I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
